How to Cast a Spell to Find Your Soul Mate

Here’s what you will need to cast a spell to find your soul mate.

• Rose oil, dropper, and burner.
• Apple and knife.
• Metal bowl.
• A candle.

It has been said that, oddly enough, the very best day on which to cast this spell is a Friday the 13^th. If you can’t wait for the next one, any old Friday will do. If you absolutely must find out upon reading this and it’s already Saturday, it will still probably work.

To begin: Get the dropper and suck up four drops of the rose oil, then fire up that burner.

Find yourself a nice chair-wood is best, wicker is fine, a recliner should be avoided-and place the metal bowl between your spread-eagled feet.

Light up the candle and wait until the sweet aroma of rose oil permeates the room. The candle should be placed within your line of vision. (By the way, make sure you’ve turned off the television and stereo.) Quietudinous contemplative is the ambience for which you are aiming.

Those who have successfully engaged in this particular spell cast have something in common: the ones who do it during a rainstorm have a much higher rate of success.

In quiet spell-casting contemplation, focus your olfactory attentions on the aroma of the rose oil as it sinuously sweeps into your sinuses.

Take note of your rate of breathing and assiduously concentrate on a gentle breath-in and breath-out count of four each. In other words: breathe in and count to four, then breathe out and count to four.

All the way meditate upon the peacefulness of your surroundings. You know that feeling you get when you swig down some Nytol or take a nice hefty dose of prescription pain medication or when the laughing gas at the dentist starts kicking in?

That is where you want to be.

Once you have reached that state of peaceful detachment-preferably to the point of feeling like you are flying-pick up the apple with one hand and the knife with the other.

Some people will tell you to say a particular spell like something out of Bewitched or Buffy the Vampire Slayer or something, but it’s not necessary. The power of the spell to find your soul mate lies in the apple, not language.

It doesn’t matter which hand you use to peel the apple; whatever feels right is best. What is important is that you are able to peel off the entire-or least 90%–of the apple’s peel without breaking it.

When you are about to make the last cut, in other words, the entire apple peel should be dangling over the metal bowl in one piece.

Make the last slice and let the apple peel fall into the metal bowl. Look down into the bowl and the apple peel should have fallen so that it forms a letter of the alphabet. The letter will be the first initial of the name of your soul mate.

If it differs from your current main squeeze…well…maybe you should wait until the next Friday the 13^th to try it again.

If the letter is not associated with the person you feel is your soul mate, well, what more evidence do you need. Advice? It will be time to tell your current beau, in the immortal words of Homer Simpson: “Welcome to Dumpsvillle. Population: You.”

*For entertainment purposes only. Unless, of course, it really works. In which case I AM A GOD!